At this stage in my work as a therapist, I find myself more interested in a client’s coping mechanisms than in their past histories. Why? Because habitual responses—the ways we automatically react—are often the root of ongoing struggles.
Imagine this: You’re driving a car, but you’re steering as if you’re on a road from your childhood rather than the one right in front of you. Naturally, you’d scrape and crash a lot. Believe it or not, this is how many people function—reacting to the present as if it were the past.
My role is to help clients face their underlying pain so they can reduce their reliance on these habitual responses. I guide them to recognise these patterns, making sense of their lives and empowering them to change.
We are all addicts, in a way—trying to soothe distress using outdated, habitual responses. The less these patterns work, the harder we cling to them. It’s a “soothe spiral” that can be difficult to escape.
For some clients, realising they are their own worst enemy can feel disheartening. But here’s the good news: if you’re the culprit, you have the power to change. You are in control—much better than being at the mercy of someone else’s actions.
That’s why effective therapy often produces surprisingly quick results. Even if it sometimes takes a little more time for clients to feel ready to go it alone, they leave with valuable skills and insights.
One could argue that personality is just a collection of habitual responses wired into us as children. But change is possible—I witness it every day in my practice.